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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

My great-grandmother had a plaque in her kitchen with that quote on it. My mother preferred “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” (Clearly that didn’t stick.)

I’d like to update Mom’s aphorism for the 21st century: “If you don’t have anything at all to say, join a social network.”

For those of you living under rocks, MySpace is a social network. But the hottest one these days is called Facebook. An appropriate name, as it turns out, since it’s a forum for the most superficial kind of human interaction possible. (The name actually comes from a student directory published for Harvard freshman.)

These networks allow you to make public your tastes in music, pizza toppings and toilet paper color. You can embed video clips and upload pictures of yourself gone wild at Spring Break. You can add extras (Facebook applications) that allow you to do things like take polls about which of your Facebook friends is most likely to move to Tibet and become a monk. Fascinating. People are supposed to extrapolate from the mishmash of inanities you share about yourself that you’re hip, you’re edgy, and then to conclude that they want to know you. I think.

Social networking is shallow, narcissistic and apparently addictive. (I know what you’re thinking. At least blogging isn’t—necessarily—shallow.) It’s the online version of waving to yourself when you see your face on a TV screen in the electronics section. It reminds me of the Playboy centerfold’s turn-ons and pet peeves, the Stay cool!s scribbled in high-school yearbooks, the “Friends Test” 14-year-olds are passing around by e-mail these days, with questions like “Croutons or Bacon Bits” and “What color is your bedroom carpet?”.

(Croutons and dirty. Do you feel like you know me now?)

Then there’s the signal-to-noise ratio. What do people expect to get from these things when there are 80 million of them embedding the same YouTube videos and uploading pictures of themselves getting their [insert body part here] pierced? How do they even tell each other apart?

One college kid looking for love narrowed his options by searching Facebook for women named Grace, just because he liked the name. That got him a manageable applicant pool and he found a candidate who met his requirements. That’s one way of dealing with it, I guess. Love in the time of the keyword search…

But apparently it’s the next big thing. There are kazillions of dollars of venture capital being poured into social networks right now, undoubtedly because corporations are drooling over the opportunity to learn what makes their favorite demographic tick so they can market more crap to them.

I know, I sound like an old fart. But I’m not, really. Well, maybe I am, but it’s irrelevant. The truth is, being the geekette and optimist that I am, I’m convinced social networks don’t all have to be virtual frat parties slash pole dances… The medium will ripen, hopefully, into something that is much more interesting…

I really do want to know this: If you could design the perfect social network for people like us, what would it be like?