I have to admit I stole this title. I saw it earlier today in the following tweet by the Fake AP Stylebook, one of my faves for a giggle. It’s like The Onion for language nerds:
Go ahead and use “shit” in your articles. Anyone really still offended by it can go back to Happy Candy Bear Island.
And, of course, the first thing I thought of was Americans. Didn’t you? Isn’t that where most of them live?
Vincent, my hero for many reasons, this one included, has been following the Copenhagen talks closely for the duration of the conference. I was out of order for a while, as you may know, but when I surfaced intermittently, he’d give me updates.
Things like this, yesterday morning, the next-to-last day of the conference: “There is not a single word on the front page of the New York Times site about Copenhagen.” And yesterday afternoon: “Forty-four percent of Americans aren’t concerned about climate change, up from 39% in 2007 according to a Zogby poll.”
(Just take a quick look at the first two paragraphs of that poll. Won’t take a minute. Here’s a sneak preview: “… less than half [of Americans] believe U.S. should act to reduce energy use if it means major lifestyle changes.”)
As I’m writing this, I’m listening to some VIP from the tiny, poor, insignificant country of São Tomé and Principe, which most Americans have never heard of, addressing Copenhagen conference attendees, describing what the future looks like to him. The picture includes “deadly competition for water and arable land.”
Who on Happy Candy Bear Island could imagine such a thing while shivering in the cranked-up air conditioning of McDonald’s (the tiny chair swallowed by enormous buttocks) scarfing down super-sized pseudo-food? How many of those happy candy bears could define the word arable for that matter? How many would believe you if you tried to explain climate change, and how many would care if they believed you?
Here is the problem, here is why electing the Tall Mocha Latte president didn’t change the world overnight, and here is why the Democratic congress is not much better than Lieberman: The politicians you elect are the puppets of rich corporations who like their candy bears fat, dumb and happy. So Big Biz spends Big Money on producing commercials that say CO2 is healthy and good and natural because plants need it, and the candy bears sitting on their couches nod, take another bite, and go back to their regularly scheduled programming.
This is how America has become the most ignorant and retrograde Western nation in the world. It’s embarrassing. You should hear the rest of the world. But you don’t hear what’s said about you, or what’s going on outside your borders because your media, also controlled by Big Biz, are more interested in ratings and revenues than in ensuring that the citizenry is informed, which should be their Prime Directive. Thus you get heiresses and trailer-park popstars without panties and rich weirdo golfers screwing strippers.
Well guess what. The rest of the developed world is talking about how to come up with a new paradigm to replace capitalism, because yes, Virginia, there is – understatement alert – a connection between capitalism and planetary degradation, between capitalism and the loss of American homes and jobs, between capitalism and all those children dying of hunger in the world (one every six seconds).
If you want to understand the capitalism connection, see The End of Poverty? (in US theaters now, but probably only in big cities, which have lower concentrations of candy bears). More info and the trailer.
Here in France, it’s Intellectuals on Parade, 24/7. They’re all over TV, the radio, the front page, doing what the smart people are supposed to do (and what, in this culture, they’re respected and revered for); figuring things out. And, contrary to what you may think, these people are looking forward, not backward; they’re not looking to dig one of the tired, old -isms out of storage, dust it off, and plug it in. While they’re frantically trying to stop the hemorrhaging caused by free-market capitalism, they’re also seeking creative alternatives to it.
But candy bears refuse to listen to anything that comes from the mouths of the gifted, the visionaries elitists; they slap a label on them and close their small minds. They are so ignorant, so brainwashed, that all they know is the -isms. They don’t have the will, curiosity, education, or imagination to envision an alternative. Their understanding is limited to capitalism=good, socialism=bad, communism=Satan. They’re too intellectually lazy to question those assumptions.
How do you turn happy candy bears into people? You need to figure out a way, America, and fast. They’re multiplying like tribbles.
Go on back to your sitcom now. Or maybe you could do some reading. If you’re not a happy candy bear, that is.
Excellent and well documented post Pam.
I politely tried to discuss these issues with some of my US friends,
but some felt I was “attacking their lifestyle”, with
several cutting all social contact since I clearly
must have become a “radical from the United Communist States of Europe”.
Large parts of the US have become complacent resource guzzlers who couldn’t care less if their choices are actively destroying our Planet.
As for Copenhagen: neither Obama or the Chinese will offer anything substantial, so we’re back to square one, with the clock ticking.
“The age of stupid” movie said it all.
Thanks Peter. Never heard of The Age of Stupid, so I downloaded it from their site today. Looking forward to it, thanks for the tip!